


Burn

by HamAndSwiss



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Asexual James Madison, Cheating, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 08:58:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16594841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HamAndSwiss/pseuds/HamAndSwiss
Summary: Thomas and James were happily married. They had a daughter, both had pretty good jobs, life was okay. Then Alexander Hamilton happened and their world started to burn.I became obsessed with 'First Burn' right after I wrote the first part of this.It's kinda like one-shots? There won't be very many. Three or four I guess.Stuff to know:~James is lowkey asexual.~Kennedy is their daughter.~Alex wasn't in a relationship until Thomas. (no John or Eliza or whoever)~James found out when he read some emails from Thomas to Alex.~Thomas wasn't exactly the best husband anyway, too forgetful and not really thinking about James and his feelings. This will be explored more in the third chapter.~Listen to 'First Burn' if you haven't yet!





	Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the evening after James finds out.
> 
> WARNING: Suicide, panic attack, James blames himself, referenced cheating, maybe one curse word. You should already know this, but your well-being is so much more important than any writing.

James is wearing his softest green pajamas when Thomas comes home. The pajamas he’d always wear when he was having one of _those_ days. Thomas would always say something about how soft they were and act like a goof to make James smile. But neither of them are smiling now.

“Sweetheart?” Thomas starts cautiously, setting his work bags down by the front door and walking into the kitchen. Without looking up from his book, James announces, keeping his voice neutral, “Go back and pick those back up. You’re leaving. I’ve packed you another bag with clothes and toiletries.” Thomas expected this. He walks closer to his husband sitting on the couch, extending his hand. “Jem, we can talk this out.”

Now James does look up, and stands up too, eyes blazing. He’s much shorter than Thomas, but what he lacks in height he makes up for with anger now. “No, we can’t. Maybe _six months ago_ we could have. But not now.” He’s working hard to keep his tone neutral and his face blank, to not cry.

Thomas, being the idiot that he is, won’t give up. “Honey, it’s all going to be okay. We can-” James cuts him off with a wave of his hand. “Don’t. Don’t think you can talk your way back into my heart.”

James knows this is a lie. He knows he’s never stopped loving Thomas, even after he found out about _this_ , and he probably never will. He knows this is his fault. He knows he wasn’t good enough, he couldn’t be what Thomas wanted. He knows his brain is racing, spiraling down. He knows he needs to hide it.

“Please,” he adds, voice cracking. This time, Thomas finally stops inching closer, though he doesn’t move backwards.

Grey tinges into James’ vision and he wants to burst into tears. But he can’t. His head is spinning and his vision is blurring and his heart is breaking and he can’t breathe, _he can’t breathe_.

He falls to his knees, eyes glazing over as he remembers _everything_. Everything when it was happy ad okay and everything was okay.

Thomas reaches his hand out but pulls it back at the last second. “Dar- uh, James, are you okay?” he asks, knowing the answer is no.

James looks up at him with a blank stare. When James Madison gets mad, he’s like a fire. He may look scary and intimidating, but he’s destroying himself inside. Burning all the supports he has, until he collapses and finally burns himself out.

“I wasn’t good enough, was I?” he says quietly, a spark igniting in the dark. “I wasn’t good enough for you. Because I’m broken, because I don’t like physical contact even on my best days. Because you wanted more. You always want more, huh?” The fire blazes in his eyes, consuming all. “Y-you could have told me. You could have divorced me and then gone off to gallivant with whatever _Hamilton_ you wanted. Instead you let me think you still loved me.”

Thomas opens his mouth to say something, but the fire roars larger.

“No. _God_ , I _loved_ you. And I thought you did too. We have a toddler, _damn it_!” James is shouting now. And crying. Shouting and crying. “I’m not good enough for you and I’m sorry.”

And there’s the fire destroying itself.

“Just go,” he whispers, quiet again. “Have fun with your Alex. I won’t stop you.”

All the tears streaming down the small man’s face break Thomas’ heart, but he somehow finds the strength to grab his bags and walk out. Away from the best decision he ever made and towards the worst one.

The next morning, Thomas heads back to the house. His house? Is it his anymore? At any rate, he can pack some more stuff up. Books, maybe, if James is feeling generous. Or maybe he can fix everything.

That touching reunion scene he envisions is shattered when he opens the, surprisingly, unlocked door, and is immediately faced with a sobbing Kennedy.

“Papa, Dad hurted himself,” she sobs, reaching her hands up to Thomas. He picks her up and frantically searches through all the rooms. What does his daughter mean?

The answer is there in splendid color when he checks the master bedroom and finds James. Dead. His brains blown out with a gun that Thomas had around for defense just in case because this is the South and that’s what you do.

“Oh honey,” Thomas whispers, running over to his husband’s side. Next to the blood-spattered glasses on the floor are two letters. One is addressed to Kennedy for her “to read when she’s older” and one is for Thomas “to read whenever you’re ready.”

Thomas doesn’t realize he’s crying until his tears drip onto the papers and he has to shove them to the side so they remain legible. In his arms, Kennedy shifts, still crying because she knows something is wrong, even though she’s not sure what.

“Oh Jem,” Thomas now sobs, crying over two broken boys and a temptation he couldn’t refuse and a fire that burned itself to ashes.


End file.
